Fourteen Times!?!!

Originally posted Aug 3 2006 on my Friendster blog.


This is a real conversation, among real people, that happened in real time. Any resemblance to any person living or dead is entirely intentional.

Dinner is over, the dishes are being cleared, the bill is being divided..

Me: Don't pick up any guys on your way home, ya..

Her: I DON'T pick up guys on the way home!

Friend 1: Noooo, THEY pick you up..

General laughter all around.

Her: Come on, guys, it's not like i pick up people on the street or in public transport!

The rest of us: Hmm....

Her: Am i like the only bad-ass b*tch at this table?

Me: Well, I'm innocent, (pointing at Friend 3) she's innocent, (points at Friend 2) he's innocent, (points at Friend 1) and I'm not so sure about that one..

F1: Hoi! Don't simply say!!

Her: OMG, are you kidding? (clutches F3 who's right next to her) Are you really a virgin?

F3: *flustered* Umm, yeah..

Her: I guess I'm the ONLY bad-ass b*tch around here then..

Short pause.

Her: But the last guy I did it with was (delete guy's name)!

F2: *a bit blur* Hang on, i knew you guys were hanging out but you actually...

Me: (quickly whispers in blur friend's ear)

F2: *huge shocked eyes* OMG, SEVEN TIMES in one night!

Her: And that's not even my record...

We paid up and left the restaurant (it was a family kinda place during dinner hours and we were getting, well, kind of LOUD) and walked to the car.

F1 & F2: Seven times... How do you do seven times.... (they're walking and hunched over as if in pain so you can tell 1 & 2 are guys)

F2: I mean, I would be exhausted after say the 3rd time, maximum.

Her: Well, my record is 14 times.

F1 & F2: (stop dead in their tracks)

F3 & me: (clutch eatch other laughing at the boys and hanging on for support)

Her: (looks amused at all the innocent Asians. Well, 3 Asians and 1 Caucasian who's more Asian than Caucasian)

All Passers-by: Kids nowadays..... (sigh and shake head)

We eventually get to the car with the boys lagging a far way behind, looking squeamish and saying that they feel sick. Once everyone's seated and belted up in the car..

Me: But, where does it all go?

F2: (who is driving) Where do you THINK it goes, woman?!!!

Her: I can't believe you don't know the answer to that..

F1 pulls his cap waayy low over his eyes and F3 goes into hysterics.

Me: But if you do it 14 times..... doesn't it overflow? Where does THAT all go?

F2: (abruptly pulls into a nearby parking spot and gets out of the car) I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT GOES WHERE Or what fitss........

F1: (also gets out of the car with his hands over his ears)

F3 and me: (clutch each other again inside the car, laughing so hard we are almost crying)

Her : (also gets out of the car, albeit more slowly) Why are we stopping? What IS wrong with the both of you? (addressed to F1 & F2, who are huddled together in fear near the car boot)

More shouted exchanges are made by those outside the car, but F3 and me can't hear a thing inside the car as we are laughing too hard. (giggles to self at the memory). Eventually we all calm down and decide to walk to a nearby store for bubble tea. While walking along...

Her: Anyway, no it doesn't overflow as it gets less and less each time..

F1 & F2 walk faster and faster ahead of us and F3 looks confused as to who to stick to.

Me: So you mean eventually it's just the big bang without the mess?

Her: Yup! He runs out of it, you know.. And if you use a condom, it kind of kills the feeling so it's not as much..

Me: You mean like it's not spontaneous?

Her: No, as in you don't feel anything.

F1 & F2 are waiting at a traffic light so we catch up to them.

Me: But what about those ultra-thin ones, or the 'ribbed for extra sensation' ones?

Her: Well, I really don't like them so I've used them about 3 or 4 times. I wouldn't know..

Me: Ok....

F1 & F2 stiffen their backs, shift from foot to foot and almost run away once the pedestrian lights turn green.

And the conversation goes on once we get to bubble tea and in fact degenerates a little more. But I think this is the portion that is more funny and I shall stop before i offend anyone. But yeah, i learnt a thing or two that night..